Josh Broward
Kevin Leman is a Christian marriage counselor. He often travels around giving marriage seminars. One of his lectures is called, “What Every Parent Ought to Know about Sex.” He always begins this seminar by asking a very simple, straightforward question: “What do we call penises in our society?”
Silence … dead silence. Leman says once a lady on the front row elbowed her husband and asked, “Bill, is he talking about piano players or what?”
Leman keeps pushing: “Come on, what do we call penises in our society? Better yet, what did your mother call your penis, men?” You know when she was giving you a bath, and it was time to wash that part, what did she call it?
So, he starts asking for a show of hands: “How many people called it a ding dong when you were growing up? A pecker? A wiener?”
Eventually the awkwardness starts wearing off and people start shouting out words: peter, pokey, the thing, ying-yang, dork, dink, pee-wee, boy part, private part, schlong, junk, piece, unit, rod, pee-pee, tee-tee, thing-a-majig. If he were in Korea, somebody would say 고추 (or pepper).
By this time, people are laughing so hard they are crying. And then, Leman reads a quote from another psychologist. “There is no reason ‘that a male [child], who points to various parts of his body and ears his parents say, “nose,” “eye,” “hand,” “toe,” should suddenly hear strange [evasive words] when he points to his genital area and hears “pee-pee,” “pee-wee,” “wienie,” “teapot,” … to cite only a few. Then he soon discovers that he is never to use the word around anyone outside the home.’”
All of these cute, funny names for a penis (and let’s not even get started with talking about the names we give to the “girl-parts”) – all of this sends a message to our children and to us that sex is dirty or secret or shameful. Sex is not something we can talk about. We can’t say the real names of our body parts, much less talk about what they do.[1]
Today, we are continuing our series on sex by talking about marriage and singleness. I want to do some myth busting today. We are going to talk about the top 10 sex myths in today’s world and what the real truth is.
Sex Myth #1: We can’t talk about sex. After last week’s sermon, we got two main comments: (1) That was interesting, and (2) That was really awkward. Honestly, I felt a little awkward, too. I pretty much never get nervous preaching anymore, but I was really nervous last week. It seems that we are basically out of practice when it come to talking about sex.
Truth: We need to talk about sex. I don’t agree with everything they say, but Salt and Pepa really got it right when they said we need to talk about sex.
Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex …
Let's talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Because that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know anything goes
Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course, how it should be
If we don’t talk about sex, it becomes this big secret and a “forbidden fruit” that everybody wants to get a piece of in the dark when no one is looking. But if we talk openly and honestly about “how it is and how it could be … and how it should be,” then we shine the light of truth on the subject. We de-mystify it and at the same time reveal its amazing beauty within healthy boundaries.
The Bible talks about sex in all its beauty and romance. Let’s start with reading Song of Songs 4:1-5:1.
Sex Myth #2: Sex begins in the bedroom. Imagine this scene. The wife finally gets the kids in bed, and now she is finishing the last of the dishes. The husband is relaxing on the couch, watching the evening news. The wife goes into the bedroom to change into her pajamas, and a little bell goes off in the man’s head, followed by an announcement on his internal intercom: “Wife in bedroom. Wife undressing. This is your moment. Proceed to sex.” The man is shocked when the wife isn’t interested.
Truth: Sex begins in the kitchen. Men, if you want your wife to be more interested in sex, try doing the dishes first.[2] When we were in the
The basic truth here is that women need to feel loved and cared for before they want to have sex. Sex begins with the little things: taking time to hug and cuddle a little before leaving for work in the morning, leaving a love note on the counter, asking how her day was (and really listening!), helping with the house work, going for a walk together – whatever it is that your wife wants and needs, give it to her. You’ll be glad you did!
Sex Myth #3: Men and women are basically the same. If we are honest, most of the time, we think that the other person does or should think, act, and feel the same way that we do.
Truth: Men and women are fundamentally different. I saw a nice picture of how this works for sex. Men are simple: on or off. Just turn the switch. Women are far more complex.
Men are like waffles. Inside our brains, there are these little boxes. There is the work box, the sports box, the family box, the sleep box, the sex box. And the parts of our lives go into these boxes and nothing touches.
But women are like spaghetti. Each issue is one noodle, and everything is connected. If you take one issue – like sex – and follow that noodle around, it touches work, sleep, kids, mom and dad, what she saw on television that night, whether or not she has gained or lost a pound, what her friend said to her on the phone, and whether or not she found fresh tomatoes at the grocery store that day. To men, that looks like a big mess, but for women this is the natural beauty of living as a deeply emotional being.
Because men are like waffles, men are also like microwaves. Once men switch to that sex box, it doesn’t take very long before they are ready to go. Moving into sex mode ……bing! Ready!
However, since women are like spaghetti, they are also like Crock-Pots or slow-cookers. It usually takes them a while to get warmed up.
Now microwaves are good for some things. They are great for when you don’t have a lot of time. But nobody wants microwaved food every night. And if you try to microwave food that belongs in a Crock-Pot, one of two things is going to happen. Either you are going to get so-so food that nobody is really happy with, or the Crock-Pot is going to get up and walk off.
Men and women are just different. We need to learn those differences and embrace them to have good relationships. The real key to good sex is not good technique but good relationships.
Sex Myth #4: Everybody knows how to have sex. It’s true that almost every teenager or adult understands the basic process of sexual intercourse – insert object A into slot B. However, that doesn’t mean they really know how to have sex well.
Truth: We have to learn how to have sex. Kevin Leman, that marriage counselor I told you about at the beginning, he says that only 2% of couples who come to see him feel like they have had an adequate sex education.[3]
I’ve shown you this book before, but it’s one of my favorites, so I want to show it again. It’s called Everything Men Know about Women. On the back cover it says, “Fiercely frank and brilliantly insightful, this work spells out everything men know about such topics as: making friends with women, romancing women, achieving emotional intimacy with women, making commitments to women, satisfying women in bed.” On the front cover, it says, “Fully reveals the shocking truth!” Open it up … it’s all blank, 100% blank pages. Men don’t know anything about women or sex!
Learning to have good sex is like learning to play a musical instrument. It takes time and practice. You need to get to know the guitar or the violin, understand how it works, how to hold it just right, where to put your hands … and once you get some practice and training and maybe some music theory, you can make some really beautiful music.
Sex is like that. It may not be “sweet music” at the beginning. But two of the most important virtues for good sex are hope and perseverance. Keep practicing. Keep learning together. Maybe read a good book on sex (preferably from a Christian perspective). I highly recommend Sheet Music by Kevin Leman. After some time and practice, the two of you will learn to work together to make music you both love.
Sex Myth #5: Good girls don’t like sex. This is an old, old myth. The myth is that men are sex fiends – crazy for sex, thinking about it all the time, but women are basically opposed to sex or at least indifferent. The myth is that sex is just something a woman does for a man – like washing the dishes or sweeping the floor.
Truth: Really good girls love sex. For example, listen to what the woman in Song of Songs has to say about sex: Song of Songs 2:1-8, 16-17.
She obviously loves sex. She is excited about her body, her husband’s body, and the idea of having sex together: “Return to me my love, like a gazelle or a young stag on the rugged mountains” (
But the truth is that many women have to learn to like sex. Most women don’t have good role models when it comes to sex. Their mothers didn’t like it or at least didn’t talk about it, so they expect that they won’t particularly enjoy it either. Also, some studies show that 1 out of every 4 women has been sexually abused.[4] Even more have had bad sexual experiences. For many women, it just takes time to get over a painful sexual history.
But here is a surprising truth for men. The most important thing for HIM is HER pleasure. When the woman is having a good time, the man feels great. This is blunt, but here it is. Most men enjoy the woman’s orgasms more than their own orgasm.[5] When a woman really loves sex, that strengthens a man’s ego and confidence – and his affection for his wife. Women, if you want to make your husbands really happy in bed, the most important thing you can do is learn to really, really like sex.
Sex Myth #6: Once you get married, you don't have to worry about sexual temptation. When I was single, I thought, “Ah, I can’t wait until I get married and I don’t have to worry about feeling tempted sexually.”
Truth: EVERYONE has sexual temptation. We need to be wise.
Proverbs 5:1-8, 15-19
I highly recommend that men and women alike read the book Every Man’s Battle. It was very helpful for me. We all face sexual temptations. Proverbs says, “Don’t even go near the door of her house.” Be careful what you are thinking about. Be careful what you are watching – even if it’s just a normal movie. Is watching that sex scene in the movie really going to help you be faithful to your spouse or live as a faithful single person? Be careful. Be wise. Sometimes, we just need to shut down certain thoughts before they go too far.
Sex Myth #7: There is one right person and one right time to get married. Every culture has different standards for how and when we get married. Some cultures push for young marriages. Others push for older marriages. Some cultures push for founding the relationship on romantic love, and other cultures push for marriages that are basically arranged around convenience and timing.
Truth: God works differently for all of us. Romantic love and timing are less important than character and commitment. The right time for you to get married might be earlier or later than the norm in your culture. That’s OK. After prayer and consideration, you might decide to marry a good friend without those wild, head-over-heals, madly-in-love feelings. Those feelings are nice but not essential. The most important thing here is to be open to however God is leading you.
Sex Myth #8: Good Christians get married. Often, we present getting married and having babies as the only faithful path for real Christians. If that's true, then Jesus was a bad Christian.
Truth: Singleness is a good option. Listen to what Jesus said about this.
Matthew 19:1-12
Maybe the most Christian – the most Christ-like - thing to do is to stay single. “Some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom” (
Let’s hear what Paul has to say on this subject.
I Corinthians 7:1-9, 32-35
So Paul’s summary is that we should do whatever will help us serve God better. If being single will help you serve God, be single. If being married will help you serve God, get married.
I decided to get married for two basic reasons. First, um … how does Paul say it, “It is better to get married than to burn with lust.” I would have burned in hell as a single man! Second, Sarah really does help me serve God better. She helps me to be a better friend and a better pastor. Also, I was head-over-heals in love with Sarah, so that helped a lot!
Sex Myth #9: Single people have no outlet for their sexuality. Sometimes people think if they aren’t “getting some,” then they have no means to express their sexuality.
Truth: Sexuality is holistic. Our sexual organs are not the only parts of us that are sexual. Our sexuality is rooted deep within our personhood. Our sexuality is expressed through a wide variety of activities: friendships, sports, writing, art, poetry, play, music and more.
What we need is not “to get some action.” Sometimes, what we really need is to stop spending so much time in front of the computer or TV. We need to feed our souls and emotions through a wide range of activities and experiences that touch our emotions, challenge our minds, and offer us physical contact and relationships that aren’t leading to a bedroom.
Sex Myth #10: Mistakes are forever. Sometimes, Christians talk like sex is a super-sin – like it’s the worst of all possible kinds of sin and that anyone with sexual sin is forever damaged, relationally hopeless, and probably going to hell just as soon as God can get his lightening ready.
Truth: We have scars, but God gives healing. Most of us have done things we wish we hadn’t done. Things went too far. We wish we could go back and undo those actions, but we can’t.
The city of
But that isn’t the end of the story. In the Old Testament, God has many names – mostly based on how people experience him. A few weeks ago, we read Hagar’s story and how she started calling God “El-Roy” or “God Who Hears.” One of God’s names is “Jehovah Rapha” or “God Who Heals.”
Our God is a healing God. He takes our broken messed up lives, and he pours his grace on us and restores us and puts our broken pieces back together and heals our wounds. No matter what you have done, no matter what has been done to you, no matter if you are satisfied with your sex life or if you feel like it is crap, God loves you. God cares for you. God has a future and a hope for you. God can bring healing in your life and give you peace and joy and healthy relationships. The truth is … we all need to be healed.
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